On Another Note

     I forgot to mention Kite's "Depression" and him wanting to kill himself. He kept telling Auto, Eric, and I that he wanted to kill himself and that he is very unhappy. The best reason why we could get out of him, was that he was heartbroken, and broke.
     "I can't afford to do this photo shoot I need for my upcoming album. Wahh." (Did I mention he was a "singer"? Kill me.
     Auto and Eric attempted comforting him, but I ignored him. That pissed me off. I'm heartbroken and broke, and I think (personally) I'm going to let my life play out a little longer. If every teenager that was heartbroken and broke killed themselves, the few teenagers we'll have left better work real hard at procreation, or that's going to be the end of the human race!

    

 Fuck you Kite. There are bigger issues in the world.

     

     For the record, he is safe. I spent Saturday morning thinking I killed him, calling him obsessively, checking the Charleston crime blotter. Thankfully, Auto texted me saying Kite was okay.

"Did Kite call you?"

"He texted me. He's okay, sort of. He apparently woke up somewhere downtown."

"Thank god. I thought he was dead. The guilt was kicking in."

"I still feel kinda bad though. :/"

"He's not dead, and he's not in jail."

"but still..."

     At that point, I didn't really care. Like I said in my text, he wasn't dead, and he wasn't in jail. I actually found it kind of funny he woke up somewhere downtown. 

     Sunday, I checked my voice-mail. Turns out Kite called me three time after we left him Friday night, each time leaving me a different melodramatic, drunken message. He apparently drove away, (like I told him not to) got pulled over, (I wonder why he didn't go to jail.) and kept telling me he was going to kill himself. (He kept saying "He just wanted to let me know."

     Good riddance Kite. If you're that weak, go ahead and do it. I don't know you well enough to get that sad about it.  

Fuck Auto, and Fuck Pantheon

     So get this shit, there is this guy I met last weekend, Kite. Kite is hot as hell, me and Auto both agreed. Well Kite's personality was a little to immature and melodramatic for me, and Auto already called dibs (which by the way he talked about him, I could tell Auto liked Kite a lot more then I did). Well Auto and I both kept up with Kite, and whenever me and Auto would talk, he would ask me if I liked Kite. I would always tell him, 'No, I don't like him like that,'.

     Well one day, Kite texted me confessing he liked me. He asked me how I felt about it, and I said I'm not feeling really into relationships right now. Later that day, I talked to Auto on the phone, he asked me if I talked to Kite that day. I told him Kite said 'hi', and that's it. I didn't want to tell Auto that Kite liked me, because I knew that would upset him, but then Auto said 'He didn't say anything else? He told me he was going to tell you he liked you.' 

     I was starting to feel set up. Was Auto just calling to see if I would tell him. 'So now you're trying to hide shit!' he said in a mocking accusatory voice that you knew held some seriousness. 

     I didn't want to tell Auto I didn't want to hurt him, because then that would bring up his whole speech of 'I can get him if I wanted him, I just don't.' and he'd accuse me of saying I'm more attractive then him. I was stuck, but I just accepted it and let him know I didn't like Kite.

     Which brings me to last night, after the club, and the house party. The house party was whack, so we left early to go park on the top of the parking garage to go party on our own. I was tired as shit, and upset over feeling like Nathan was getting mad at me for trying to find Auto and Eric and getting them safely to Glenn's. (especially when he'd take the phone and cuss out Auto, thinking that would help the situation) and Auto getting mad at me for leaving initially with Nathan. So I sat in the back seat trying to pass out. Unfortunately, I was in the back seat with a very drunk and awake Kite. He would keep waking me up (which pissed me off. Once I pass out, do not wake me up) and he kept trying to cuddle with me, asking me what's wrong, and grabbing my face to go in for a kiss (which I would just turn away from). I could feel Auto looking. I texted him at one point saying 'Sorry, I'm not doing anything. I just want to sleep.'

     It's the end of the night, and we need to leave. Kite continued drinking, so he's trashed and in no way a condition to drive. We almost slept with him in the car till he sobered up, but Auto wanted to leave. (Not to put this blame on Auto, more than anything did I want to be home and not sleeping in the back seat with Kite.) So Auto attempted to sober him up. He forced Kite to walk around the parking garage with him, which was pretty much Auto carrying Kite around the parking garage. Eric and I were still in the car. I doubt Eric could give a fuck, but I could imagine a speech from Auto saying 'I was the only one trying to help Kite and you guys just sat in here!', so I ran up to help him handle Kite.

     When I ran up to try and help, it wasn't long before Auto threw Kite at me and said, "Here! Take him!"

     Auto can be a jackass sometimes, but most of the time I brush it off, like now. I take the stumbling Kite to his car, and Auto stomps up with the keys, jams the key in the front door, and swings open the door. 'Auto is getting tired of Kite,' I thought. I calmly unlocked the back doors, set him in the back seat, and expressed how important it was he didn't go anywhere, he just stayed here and sobered up. (Like I could do anything else. Auto's was my ride.) The I went back to Auto's car, and he went to leave. Out of concern, we ended up going to the other side of the parking garage to see what Kite would do. He just smoked. 

     "We're leaving a drunk person at the top of a parking garage," Auto said like it wasn't his idea, "This is so irresponsible."

     "Do you want to stay a little while?" I asked. I could pass out anywhere at this point.

     "No, I'm not sleeping in my fucking car!" he snapped.

     "We could call Justin," I suggested.

     "What the fucks that gonna do?" He snapped again.

     I'm out of idea's, and I truthfully didn't care at this point. We all stopped drinking and he kept shooting. Every time I made a suggestion, Auto would yell at me. I was tired.  At best Kite will get a D.U.I. and not die in a car accident. We drove off. (And this is why Auto, Eric, and I are going to hell.)

     That's when it happened. On the way home Auto said it. 

     "To be perfectly honest Razzi, it made me kind of mad that you were passing out in the back seat, and then as soon as I go away with Kite to sober him up, your suddenly awake, and can't let someone else be alone with Kite."

     "I told you, I don't like Kite."

     "Truthfully, I don't care, 'cause I know I could have Kite if I want to."

     On the way home I almost fall asleep, but I hear Auto and Eric talking. Auto, thinking I'm asleep, says to Eric, "You know, it's just strange because Kite is one of the first guys I don't have wrapped around my finger. He like that thing in the back seat over me.

Auto, you are insecure. I get jealous, but I refuse to let that be a reason to get mad at someone.

     So I'm mad at Auto. I'm probably going to avoid talking to him for a while. I've also decided I'm going to avoid Pantheon for a while. It truthfully has turned me into a slut, and if I keep going, I'm going to hurt the men that I care about. It was fun while it lasted, but fuck Auto, and fuck Pantheon. 

An Explanation.

     Well last night I was obviously a hot mess. That's what happens when I'm left home with Alcohol and no one to entertain me. I get stuck in my own thoughts. I mainly spent the night drinking and talking to Kairi and Maple about my problems out in the cold, smoking cigarette after cigarette. When people stopped answering there phones, I went inside. I remember sitting on the floor in my room staring at myself in the mirror silently for a good fifteen minutes, then I proceeded to sitting on my bed and writing 'Why can't I be happy?' over and over on my wall like an insane person. Luckily, I had the common sense (after three lines) to stop, and go on the computer and type it on my blog, before my parents saw it and either killed me, or sent me to therapy. This was mostly bought on by a drop in my self esteem, unintentionally caused by Auto, and a small Amaretto relapse. (I even messaged him last night. He replied today, but now I'm sober, and I'm not getting into that.)
     I don't know if I mentioned this at all, but I broke up with Razz. He was still ignoring me and I had enough. He didn't even seem to care we broke up either. Lately it seems like he's trying to chase after Auto. (One example of how my usually high self esteem is crumbling. It's not Auto's fault though.) It's actually been a while since we broke up. It's been a good month. I'm talking to this guy named Moscato. He's seemingly cute, nice, and sweet, but he lives in Charleston and being incredibly sketch about me visiting, and when I'm in Charleston and don't visit him, he get's all upset. (It's complicated, hard to explain, and I don't even fully understand what's going on with that. It's too early to go all crazy-girlfriend on him though, so I let it be for now.) So yeah, I've been better. I feel like this Amaretto wound won't heal until I fall in love again. That's depressing.

Drunk as F**k

     So I'm at home alone drunk.

Why can't I be happy?

Why can't I be happy?

Why can't I be happy?

Why can't I be happy?

I want to be happy

I want to be happy

I want to be happy

I want to be happy

I want to be happy

I want to be happy

I want to be happy

Why can't I be happy?

I use to feel pretty

Why don't I feel pretty?

Why can't someone tell me I'm pretty?

Why can't someone tell me I'm special?

Why can't someone make me feel loved?

Why can't someone love me?

Why won't he love me again?

Why did he have to come into my life?

I wouldn't have loved

but I wouldn't feel like this.

Why did he fuck me up so bad?

Why won't this end?

I thought it did.

Why can't someone come save me?

Why can't someone make me feel special?

Why does everyone like Auto instead of me?

Why am I such a slut?

Why am I not attractive?

I thought I was attractive.

Why won't Moscato let me visit him?

I thought he would help me.

I want to be happy.

Happy Christmas!

     So Christmas really snuk up on me fast. It didn't even really feel like Christmas until last night the family had me wrapping everyone's gifts but my own. (I'm the best wrapper in the house, but only boxes. If it's not box shaped. It usually results in the badly wrapped Christmas presents under the tree being mine since I didn't wrap them myself.) But today is Christmas, and I love getting gifts. I got a bunch of gift cards, and usually I don't like gift cards, but I was so happy about the loot this year! I got:

• A new pair of plaid pajama pants
• Some small, plain, black v-necks, and tank tops from wal-mart
• Hemp Lotion from my brother
• A sculpture of Genesha my brother stole for me
• A new not-as-lame-but-no-iphone cell phone
• $100 on an Enmark gas card from my dad
• $15 Subway gift card
• $20 Sonic gift card
• $50 gift certificate to House of Tokyo (I'm going to end up using that too quick)
• $100 check from my aunt
• $50 itunes gift card
• $100 visa gift card

     On top of that Razz might be throwing a Christmas party, so I might go get fucked up (and maybe get a Christmas gift from Razz if you know what I'm saying). Avalon out.

I'm a Mess

     So we are in finals week at school and I could potentially fail Calculus and English. Great. At least this semester is almost over. I've got two exams over with, two to go, and a two-thousand page paper to write that was due last Wednesday. I've never had such bad writers block. School was dank today. I spent my time between the two exams laughing obnoxiously at Tumblr in the library, and folding paper cranes while sitting in my car. I meant to go apply to places after school but I didn't feel like it. I just felt like coming home and doing nothing.
     I had the slightest (and I mean slightest) bit of hope that Razz would spend the afternoon with me, but of course he's in Savannah, and let's face it, what's the chances he would spend time with me if he was even in town? I swear, he's a pain in the ass. All my friends are like 'You complain about him a lot. Why don't you break up with him?' and I have absolutely no answer.
     Maybe I'm one of those people who feel the need to be in a relationship even if it hurts them. That would be unfortunate if that was the case. I also grab on to the tiniest, falsest hope that this will turn into a bountiful beautiful relationship where we appreciate and value each others company and conversations. Where Razz will someday grab me by the waist and say, "You are so beautiful and I wish I could spend all my time with you. It hurts to be away from you!"
     That's a little much, but come on. I would flip out if I even got a 'Hey baby, how you doin?' via text, or maybe even a 'sup'. I even feel like I'm losing my sex appeal with him. I feel like the prospect of sex has been having less and less effect on whether we will be spending time together that night. This is deeply upsetting, because I have the personality of colorful dirt, and to be perfectly honest, sometimes sex is the only leverage I got.
     I texted Razz today. I told myself I wasn't going to. I told myself 'He's such an asshole. He never talks to you and is never willing to make you a priority. Ignore him like he ignores you!'
     But then the wimpier side of me this morning says, 'My back hurts. Razz gives the best massages. Maybe he'll let me over and massage my back.'
     Of course he's in Savannah right now. So here I am, laying on the couch with a hot pack on my back. I keep meaning to talk to him, but usually by the time I go over to his place, I'm just usually so relieved to see him, I decide not to start a fight.
     Well on the dark side, if we do break up, I'm going to take a nice extended dating break. Two months at least. One mistake I made was dating Razz when I was still in the midst of getting over Amaretto. What a mess. I'm a mess.
   

Ignored

     So I don't know how long me and Razz are going to last. I haven't really spent time with him or talked to him since my last post. (I forced him out of his house to buy me tequila and rum Friday. Immediately afterwards I dropped him off at his place and he scurried back in with barely a kiss goodbye. That doesn't count) I also by chance ran into him at Club Pantheon last night. (I knew he was going to Charleston, but I figured he wouldn't be going to Pantheon.) Yeah, I ran into him in the bathroom, and he gave me a look like "the fuck?". It's like jeez, happy to see you too dick. He quickly introduced me to his friends, we danced for a little, and the we separated. Now, here's the thing that drives me insane. I've gotten to a point where I have to make him promise repeatedly that we will hang out at a said time, but that doesn't even phase him. I told him He told me we would hang out Sunday, and now he can't, because he's tired. He's always tired. I really like him when he's around. If it keeps going like this I'm just gonna have no choice but to break up with him. Like a "Call me when I'm actually a priority of yours" situation.
   
     Oh, and by the way, I got one thing on my Christmas list. I came home the other day to my mom and my brother beating the hell out of my safe with mallets.
     "You didn't want it in one piece did you?" says my mother.
     "Well, kinda."
     I could have done that!

     Oh and can I add that obviously he can handle me going to Tennessee for two weeks. We're edging in on one.

A Lovely Piece of Bread

     Isn't it freakin beautiful? Let it go on record that this is probably the most beautiful (and probably tastiest) thing that I have created in the kitchen. I don't mean to blow myself up, but I feel like the freakin man. Sprout was making bread, so I decided to make bread with him. I decided if it turned out good, I would give it to Razz, because I know he was feeling terrible last night, and I wanted to show him I can cook. It took me five hours to make this. Had to shape and cut out each freakin leaf. 

     Now I'm about to shove this lovely, warm bread up Razz's ass, because he won't answer any of my text or calls. You know he told me we were gonna go liquor shopping today, but I wasn't really concerned with that. I wasn't even really concerned with hanging out with him. I just wanted to know he felt better, and I wanted to give him the flippin bread I worked five hours on! This was suppose to be a fucking sweet and simple gesture Razz!

My Christmas List

     So, I haven't written anything for bitter vitamins in a few days, so I felt guilty. Then I felt guilty because I told myself I can't feel guilty about not writing shit on here, it has to come naturally. Either way, that doesn't change the fact that I need to finish writing 'Cruuz'. Oh well, in the meantime, here's my Christmas list:

1. A queen sized bed (maybe a tempurpedic? Maybe Razz will sleep over more often if I have this.)
2. Hemp Body Lotion (from wal-mart. Any scent is okay, they all smell good. Maybe all three? It's not weed lotion, I promise.)
3. Jake from Hollister (the cologne. there is not a guy named Jake from Hollister.)
4. Boxer Briefs from Express (or Abercrombie, American Eagle, Hollister, where ever. It's just that as of now, even my fancy underwear is from Wal-mart.)
5. 'The Hunger Games' and 'Catching Fire' (in hard-back. I have a copy of 'The Hunger Games' that I stole from my high school library, but it's all beat up and has that ugly clear plastic cover on it that they always put on books.)
6. Some new jeans like Ret's (Ret is my brother, and my mom still buys him shit. A few months ago, my mom bought him some jeans from Hollister. They are fabulous, and if my mom or brother caught me trying to wear them, they flip the fuck out.)
7. Plain black v-neck tees (like from Wal-mart. I know they are only like ten bucks but I'm broke as a joke right now and I'd much rather spend the little money I do have on booze, fast food, and cigarettes.)
8. A new tattoo (I'm not sure of what, or where, but I know I want it. I saw some cool jellyfish tattoos on Tumblr.)
9. A trip to Tennessee (To see my friend Clair!)
10. Sonic Gift Cards!!!
11. A new phone (or at least a battery. I don't really give a shit that I still own a flip phone, but the battery life is about eight hours on a good day.)
12. Some (nice) flip-flops (Since that is about all I wear in the foot department, I feel like I deserve some name-brand flip-flops)
13. Some new Ray-bans (mine are slightly broke up.)
14. Photoshop
15. My room cleaned (Oh good god!)
16. A tanning membership (since it's cold, and I was too busy working all summer, I lack the pigment I crave.)
17. Some new bed sheets (If I get my queen sized bed, I'll need them in queen sized.)
18. To open that god damn safe in my room. (I swear, it's like a box of mystery. Enraged by my not finding the combination,  busted the hinges off the safe. I still couldn't open it.)
19. A laptop (Fat chance.)
20. HOUSE OF TOKYO!!!!

A Few Interesting Notes from Class

     "Can I go get my paper that's due today out of my car?"
     "Nothing's due today," the teacher said, (with a confused, almost disgusted, maybe snobby face).
     "I thought we had those two questions due today?"
     "No those aren't due till next tuesday," the teacher snapped back at the girl, with the same look on his face.
  
     Point: My marine science teacher is an asshole. Obviously this girl got her work done, and I promise you I haven't done it yet. Why did he snap at her like that? I felt like it was really uncalled for. So uncalled for it confused me.

A few interesting notes from class:

• Jellyfish are considered plankton!
• Panktos is greek for 'wandering'
• Silicate is glass! SiO2 also known as 'quartz'

I like those few moments in class where I'm like 'Woah! Thats actually cool!' They don't happen very often, and it's usually useless information that won't show up on a test.

A few days later I learned even more interesting things:

• Bathypelagic Organisms: "Some of this stuff looks straight out of a nightmare." -my marine science teacher
• Male Angler Fish: The males don't have to do anything! They just have to exist, and deliver sperm. I want a relationship like that.
• Land animals come from fish with swim bladders that adapted so that they could take oxygen out of the air in the swim bladders, aka lungs! Thus creating the first amphibians thus creating the first land animals!
• Every living thig has a weak electrical field. 

A bunch of minor things I learned that are really cool, but probably are not going to be on the final exam. Sucks.

December in Tennessee

     "So hopefully I'll be spending most of December in Tennessee."
     I was telling Razz about how I'm going to visit Clair, my friend who moved to Tennessee this summer. Razz raised his eyebrows. "Most of December?"
     "Well yeah, maybe two weeks,"I said. I suddently realized how much I would miss Razz. I can't even go a whole day without wanting to see him.
     "Two weeks is too long," he said sadly, "Maybe a week."
     That was so sweet. I was so happy when he said that. He would miss me too. (And probably my favorite things about it was he didn't directly say it, but he let me know.)

Cruuz (part one)

     So the day finally came. I've been looking forward to it all week. Tonight, me and my boyfriend, Razz, were going to Cruuz, a gay club in Charleston, South Carolina. I was sitting at my computer. It was about six thirty, and I was going to leave in thirty minutes to pick up Razz. I was already ready. I felt like it should have taken me longer, but in all reality, I didn't do anything differently than I would if I were going to school. I took a shower, I spiked my hair, I brushed my teeth, and I put my clothes on (my favorite pair of jeans, and my favorite button-up.) I had ninety-two dollars in cash, and I had forty on my debit card. It was already decided that I was paying for most of the night, because Razz had a bad week at work. He at first didn't want to go, because he didn't want me to pay for him, but I forced him to let me pay. He could buy me an expensive dinner, or take me out to Cruuz again later. I put shoes and socks in my car, because Razz told me I shouldn't wear flip-flops to the club. (Note that I wear nothing but flip-flops. This was upsetting news to me.) He said that my feet were going to get stepped on, or I was going to (drunkenly) trip or something. I was ready. I drove over to Razz's house.
     Razz let me in. His face was shaved, which I had never seen before. Personally I like his scruff, but it was cute. It made me think of the pictures I've seen of him when he was my age. (I'm eighteen, he's twenty-two.) He walked me into the living room, and he went back to his room. He was still getting ready. I just sat in the living room watching television with his roommate Shell. I can't remember what we were watching, but I'm pretty sure we got through an entire episode before he was ready. "What a diva," I thought to myself, and then told him later. When he finished getting ready, he grabbed my hand and walked me out to my car.
     We first went to dinner. We went to my favorite restaurant in Beaufort, House of Tokyo. We sat down and both ordered two orders of sushi each. He told me more stories about things he did when he lived in Raleigh, and Denver while we waited for our food. (I really love his stories. Razz is a really fascinating guy.) We ate our food. Razz only ate about half his sushi. He was already slightly full from the ginger salad, and miso soup. He also said if he ate too much, he wouldn't want to drink later. This was a very smart idea, but I was starving, so I didn't follow his example. We got his left over sushi in a to-go box, I paid, and we left. (This wasn't a super important part of this story, but I really enjoyed our sushi date, so I wanted to talk about it a little.)
     So now was the true start of the night. We were headed to Charleston. Razz was driving and I was in the passenger seat. I was sipping on a blackberry alcoholic drink Razz bought me at the gas station we stopped at before we left Beaufort. We chained smoked and listened to music together while I started developing a buzz. (Razz and I decided it was a good idea to get me a little drunk before I got to the club, since I'm eighteen, and it would take more of a effort to sneak me drinks there.) I finished the can a little too quickly though. We were still about an hour from Charleston and I could already feel a good buzz. "Shit," I thought to myself, "I'm gonna get sober before I even get there."
     I just threw the empty can out the window and pop the tab on the second can. It was dark, so I couldn't see what it was, but about the size of a Four Loco. I knew it wasn't a Four Loco though, because I told Razz specifically not to buy me a Four Loco unless it was grape. (Which I'm starting to think doesn't exist anymore. I can't find them anywhere.) Well, it was about the grossest drink I have ever tasted. I've never had fermented cough medicine, but if I had to try it, I have a feeling it would taste like this drink, except the drink had a sickly sweet taste that attempted (and failed) to cover it up. I couldn't even take it down with a cigarette (which is my main strategy when it comes to downing gross drinks. I just set it in a cup holder in the back, and popped the tab on my second blackberry flavored drink. We ended up stopping at a gas station to go to the bathroom. Razz bought me a Lemonade Four Loco, (I told him anything was better than the what-ever-the-hell stuff he got me) and him a beer. (I was incredibly jealous of his beer.)
     After my second blackberry drink, a few sips of my lemonade Four Loco and Razz's beer, and many cigarettes later, we finally were in downtown Charleston. We circled downtown a couple of times, until we found a parking garage. I made Razz park at the top, despite the fact that he had to use the bathroom really badly. (I did too, but I love looking over Charleston, or any other city for that matter, from a high point of view like a parking garage. It's so pretty up there.) We parked, and we both decided that we would just pee in a corner next to our parking spot. (It was about eleven fifteen, so it was dark, and nobody was up there anyways. Not a lot of people were even parked up there. I looked over my shoulder and saw a security camera though. I told Razz and we both decided to ignore it.) Then we went to the elevators, and pressed one, for the bottom floor.
     Probably the coolest thing about the club was that it was right there. You take a left out of the elevator, you take five steps, and the entrance is immediately to your right. Razz and I stood outside for a couple more minutes to smoke one last cigarette. I was shocked. It was eleven fifteen and the club didn't seem very busy. (I had always heard you don't go to a club before ten. Razz informed me that the actual time was eleven.) The bounce and an (obviously gay) plump employee were standing outside to smoke a cigarette. I remembered I left my phone plugged into the charger an had Razz go with me back to the car so I could unplug it before we went in. (I mostly did it, because I didn't want to go in if it was dead in there. I wanted to buy some time.) Luckily, as we waited for the elevator, a large group of fellow gays stepped off. "Yes!" I exclaimed with a whisper in Razz's ear, "Gay people!"
     Once we got back down I was ready to go in. I handed the bouncer my I.D. first. He looked at it, put a wrist band with green x's on my left arm, and drew two large black x's on the back of both my hands with a large sharpie marker. "Great." I thought.
     Then Razz handed the bouncer his I.D. The bounce looked Razz up and down about ten times. "Yes," I thought to myself, "He's over twenty-one." It was obvious that the bouncer thought that it was a fake, because a twenty-two year old doesn't often come to a club with an eighteen year old. He finally handed him back his I.D. and put a red wrist band on his right arm. We walked inside, paid that plump gay guy, and continued into Cruuz.
     

 

Turns out sex isn't really that great.

I was having 'ex problems' again, but it was a different kind. It was weird, but I was having sexual fantasies about Amaretto this morning. I was missing his sex. To the point where even Tristan's whole 'Don't let one person ruin it' thing wasn't working. But what did work was one thought I never really thought about. The fantasies are always better than the actual sex. It's something that I realized has never failed me. Even with Amaretto.

Sex and the City

I really like this picture.

I Feel Great

     So I had a pretty crap day today. Mostly just because of the fact that today at school was boring, (I mean, way more boring than usual) and my mind was dwelling on 'ex things' if you know what I mean. (I don't really want to go into too great detail.) So today, after (and during) calculus class, I wrote one of the most depressing pieces of writings I think I have ever written. (It was going into detail about how I feel about how I feel. I didn't even help, it just made me feel worse.) So anyways, I have a whole hour and twenty-five minutes before my 7:25pm English class, where all of my friends seem to disappear from campus. (I'm very lonely at this time, and usually use it trying to convince Kairi to spend time with me, or luring Sapling out of her dorm. Neither of which I am usually successful.) Well this time I was able to get Tristan to respond to my calls of loneliness, and went to hang out with him at his dorm. (By hang out I mean sit on his bed and play on his DS, while he reads a bunch of articles about Co-ed dorms.) Well at one point I sighed and said, "Today was a terrible day."
     To which he replied, "Yeah, I heard. F.C. told me. She said something about Amaretto, which I still don't know much about."
   Sometimes Tristan's passive aggressiveness, along with his lack of fear to make things awkward just shocks me. I'm not sure if these are some of his better, or worse traits. Either way, these are traits of his that makes me mad, and I was not about to have this conversation with him (especially). So I just responded, "Just a bunch of stupid shit."
     "Well I knew that much," he responded, obviously annoyed that he didn't get a more detailed response. (Yeah that's right Tristan, I did that on purpose.)
     So I left for class. A little early too. Tristan didn't seem like he was in a great mood (from the beginning), and neither was I.
     So I'm in English class, still wallowing in self pity, when I got a text. (I thought it was strange, because I just texted Kairi 'I'm Bored', and he usually doesn't respond to trivial texts like that, at least to me.) So I opened my phone expecting an unexpected text from Kairi. It wasn't Kairi (of course), it was Tristan.
     "Oh no," I thought, "Now he's gonna want to have a 'talk'."
     I opened the text.

Hope your stuff gets better; moving on takes time, but you have something that's nice now!

    "I hope he's not talking about my new beau, who's been treating me like I'm a fucking acquaintance of his." I thought bitterly. (Maybe getting in another relationship during the process of getting over the last one wasn't such a bright idea. Whatever, he was paying enough attention to me at the time.)

I replied, 'Thanks. It feels like forever since I've been happy.'

     Maybe a little too heartfelt. I don't know why I said that. Then Tristan texted me something very significant.

‎"There are great people in your life. Don't let one person ruin the good in everything else."

     That really caught me off guard. I was all of a sudden in a great mood. I even smiled. It was so weird too. I've bitched about Amaretto to so many people, and nobody has ever fucking told me to look on the bright side. Or maybe they did? Maybe they had to be more specific and tell me, "Look at all the great people in your life, and all you can think about is one shitty one?"

     And so that's basically it. All that story to get to one point. I'm in a good mood now. Hopefully it will last. When I read that, I feel like there was a window put between me and my thoughts about Amaretto, and that everyone around me (at this moment in time, the dreadful children in my Composition 101 class) became more real. I'm not sure how to describe it, but I feel like I've been lost in my own thought for such a long time, and Tristan's few words pulled me back into reality, at least for tonight. (I want to compare it to being high for a really long time, then becoming sober. I personally fucking hate the feeling of being high, so it felt really good to me.) So now I'm in a good mood. It's not even bothering me that much that my boyfriend isn't texting me back like he said he would (*twitch*). I don't think much could ruin this night. I feel great.

   

Tumblr Post

My friend posted this on his tumblr. I felt like I related to it a lot.

Marine Bio

So a while ago, I was in my marine biology class, and I was bored (as usual). So I spent my time writing random poems and thoughts down.

I cant stand science.

"Hope you've been studying folks!"

Nope. I don't study.

I hate the Beaufort campus. It's so dank, and there's nothing to do here.

You know what are pretty? Diatoms. They are so pretty under a microscope. So are most things made of silica.

Thanksgiving is a really obnoxious holiday.

I think my professor should be more impressed that I knew the word 'Calcium Carbonate'. I sure as hell was. Same thing with chemo synthesis. How many people in this classroom have a clue what that is?

I can't tell if tap water is nasty, or I just think tap water is nasty.

I didn't study,

I got an A on your quiz.

Haha teach, haha.

Sometimes I feel like I'm emotionless. I feel like that's my signs fault. I'm so un-sympathetic, it sucks. How am I suppose to expect people to feel sorry for me when I'm hurt, if I can't feel sorry for them?

When I took Marine Biology, I expected to actually learn about biology. Like bio, life, animals. Spending a semester on learning about tidal patterns is taking it's toll on my soul.

I wonder if people pass notes in college.

The professor has a terrible haircut.

Upset

    I feel like I'm more of a 'big picture' kind of person. I've been really unhappy lately. I feel like no one really can tell. I don't wanna be all melodramatic and all like 'Oh, I hide it well, but on the inside I'm spiraling into a dark hole of black roses and thorns and darkness blah blah.' but that's how it feels. Bleh. I need to get drunk.

Logic Class

So today I had logic class at 12:15pm. I spent my time writing Haiku's.

Dear professor Sloth,

Ur a nice enough person,

class is just boring. 

My teacher's name isn't actually sloth, but I didn't wanna use his real name. I was having conflicts to whether 'you're' was considered to have two syllables, or one, so I just used 'ur'.

J'ai faim; I'm hungry

I would really like Sonic.

They have the best food.

Lately I haven't been eating in the morning, and then I get to school and wonder why I'm hungry. I thought the last line in this was pretty cool because it only consisted of one syllable words.

Getting lost again.

I'm floating to my own world.

Public Broadcasting?

I always zone out in that class, because it's soo boring and confusing and difficult to understand. When I zoned back in at one point, they were talking about PBS and stuff. I thought the first line was really cool because it was all like 'two syllable word, one syllable word, two syllable word again!' like 2 1 2. I thought the pattern was cool. 

Roast Beef, Cheddar Cheese,

Mayonnaise, tomatoes, Chips

White bread, not wheat bread

I was still hungry. I had sandwich on my mind. I decided that mayonnaise had three syllables and not two. So pronounce it as 'May-on-naise'.

Blue and Green taxis

I totally got mind f**ked.

This happens a lot.

I got confused with this problem about the percentage of taxis or something. Why the hell did I take that class?

My stomach just growled.

Thai peanut flavored noodles.

J'ai faim; Still hungry

I feel like that one is self explanatory.

Adam walking by.

I see him outside my class.

He's not in my class.

When I was busy not paying attention in class, I saw my friend Adam walk by the window. I hope he's not offended. I'll tell him it's another Adam.

Don't Hold Your Breath; Hater; Bounce; i hate you

     Kyle was on his back porch smoking a cigarette, browsing the internet on his parents laptop, doing nothing particularly useful or productive. It was twelve o' clock and he was the only one awake in his house. He was already in a (slightly) bad mood. Kyle will have random nights where he cannot sleep. (He thinks he has a mild case of insomnia, but he's not sure. He doesn't know why it happens.) Not that he is usually asleep by this hour, but he gets this strange feeling in his stomach whenever he is about to have a sleepless night, and tonight he feels it. So he planned on spending his time doing what he usually does: take a late night walk around the nieghborhood (while smoking a cigarette), sit on his back porch on the computer just to be disapointed that no one is online (while smoking a cigarette), go to bed (not while smoking a cigarette), realize he's not sleeping (not while smoking a cigarette), and repeat. Until the sun comes up, and he has to go to school or whatever he's doing the next day. Right now though, people are still online for him to talk to, so he's fine for right now, but the ritual can begin to feel like torture.
     While still doing nothing in particular, he felt his phone buzz in his pocket. He got a text.

'Hey, what are you up to?' from Amaretto.

     Kyle's stomach felt sick. That horrible feeling that followed him around for days (but it felt like a lifetime). He felt like he was going to vomit, and his mood went from a feeling of slight discontentment, to that mixture of extreme sadness and anger he forgot about.

'Nothing. At home. I'm happy to hear from you.'

     Something in him really was happy to hear from him.

'Me too. I was afraid you wouldn't text back. Do you want to come over or something? i miss your face :)' from Amaretto.

     "He got rid of that gross, nasty slut," Kyle thought to himself. 

'Sure. I miss you too. I'm sorry about all the mean texts I sent you. It was childish of me.'

'i forgot all about those. i just miss you. Are you coming over?' from Amaretto.

'yes'

     Kyle got in his car. The sadness that vanished a couple of days ago all came back, but at the same time, he felt so fulfilled. Amaretto was finally paying attention to him again.

     He finally got to the Lays appartment complex. He drove in, and parked in front of appartment 3C. It was cold out, and Kyle could see his breath. He walked around to sit criss-cross on top of the back of his car, facing the appartment, like he always used to. He texted Amaretto, 'come outside'
     It wasn't long before Amaretto walked out of the appartment, walked over to the car, stood in front of Kyle, and rested his hands on Kyle's knees (just like he always used to), then he looked up into Kyle's face and smiled (just like he always used to). "How are you?" He asked (just like he always used to).
     Kyle smiled, even though he felt like he was going to cry. "I'm good," he said, "I should probably be asleep. I have class tomorrow."
     "Then you should have went to sleep," Amaretto said in a concerned voice, "We could have hung out later."
     "No, I wanted to tell you something."
     "What is it?" he asked.
     Kyle spat in his face. Kyle gave him a disgusted look and said, "I hate you. And I'm over you."
     Kyle drove home crying. He was slightly afraid Amaretto was gonna hit him, or get angry, but he didn't. He just stood there, with his eyes closed (probably to keep the spit from getting in his eyes). He lied. He really did hate him, but he wasn't over them. He felt like that encounter, even just that text set him back a few days. Kyle will get over him eventually.