So we are in finals week at school and I could potentially fail Calculus and English. Great. At least this semester is almost over. I've got two exams over with, two to go, and a two-thousand page paper to write that was due last Wednesday. I've never had such bad writers block. School was dank today. I spent my time between the two exams laughing obnoxiously at Tumblr in the library, and folding paper cranes while sitting in my car. I meant to go apply to places after school but I didn't feel like it. I just felt like coming home and doing nothing.
I had the slightest (and I mean slightest) bit of hope that Razz would spend the afternoon with me, but of course he's in Savannah, and let's face it, what's the chances he would spend time with me if he was even in town? I swear, he's a pain in the ass. All my friends are like 'You complain about him a lot. Why don't you break up with him?' and I have absolutely no answer.
Maybe I'm one of those people who feel the need to be in a relationship even if it hurts them. That would be unfortunate if that was the case. I also grab on to the tiniest, falsest hope that this will turn into a bountiful beautiful relationship where we appreciate and value each others company and conversations. Where Razz will someday grab me by the waist and say, "You are so beautiful and I wish I could spend all my time with you. It hurts to be away from you!"
That's a little much, but come on. I would flip out if I even got a 'Hey baby, how you doin?' via text, or maybe even a 'sup'. I even feel like I'm losing my sex appeal with him. I feel like the prospect of sex has been having less and less effect on whether we will be spending time together that night. This is deeply upsetting, because I have the personality of colorful dirt, and to be perfectly honest, sometimes sex is the only leverage I got.
I texted Razz today. I told myself I wasn't going to. I told myself 'He's such an asshole. He never talks to you and is never willing to make you a priority. Ignore him like he ignores you!'
But then the wimpier side of me this morning says, 'My back hurts. Razz gives the best massages. Maybe he'll let me over and massage my back.'
Of course he's in Savannah right now. So here I am, laying on the couch with a hot pack on my back. I keep meaning to talk to him, but usually by the time I go over to his place, I'm just usually so relieved to see him, I decide not to start a fight.
Well on the dark side, if we do break up, I'm going to take a nice extended dating break. Two months at least. One mistake I made was dating Razz when I was still in the midst of getting over Amaretto. What a mess. I'm a mess.
