Well last night I was obviously a hot mess. That's what happens when I'm left home with Alcohol and no one to entertain me. I get stuck in my own thoughts. I mainly spent the night drinking and talking to Kairi and Maple about my problems out in the cold, smoking cigarette after cigarette. When people stopped answering there phones, I went inside. I remember sitting on the floor in my room staring at myself in the mirror silently for a good fifteen minutes, then I proceeded to sitting on my bed and writing 'Why can't I be happy?' over and over on my wall like an insane person. Luckily, I had the common sense (after three lines) to stop, and go on the computer and type it on my blog, before my parents saw it and either killed me, or sent me to therapy. This was mostly bought on by a drop in my self esteem, unintentionally caused by Auto, and a small Amaretto relapse. (I even messaged him last night. He replied today, but now I'm sober, and I'm not getting into that.)
I don't know if I mentioned this at all, but I broke up with Razz. He was still ignoring me and I had enough. He didn't even seem to care we broke up either. Lately it seems like he's trying to chase after Auto. (One example of how my usually high self esteem is crumbling. It's not Auto's fault though.) It's actually been a while since we broke up. It's been a good month. I'm talking to this guy named Moscato. He's seemingly cute, nice, and sweet, but he lives in Charleston and being incredibly sketch about me visiting, and when I'm in Charleston and don't visit him, he get's all upset. (It's complicated, hard to explain, and I don't even fully understand what's going on with that. It's too early to go all crazy-girlfriend on him though, so I let it be for now.) So yeah, I've been better. I feel like this Amaretto wound won't heal until I fall in love again. That's depressing.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Drunk as F**k
So I'm at home alone drunk.
Why can't I be happy?
Why can't I be happy?
Why can't I be happy?
Why can't I be happy?
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
Why can't I be happy?
I use to feel pretty
Why don't I feel pretty?
Why can't someone tell me I'm pretty?
Why can't someone tell me I'm special?
Why can't someone make me feel loved?
Why can't someone love me?
Why won't he love me again?
Why did he have to come into my life?
I wouldn't have loved
but I wouldn't feel like this.
Why did he fuck me up so bad?
Why won't this end?
I thought it did.
Why can't someone come save me?
Why can't someone make me feel special?
Why does everyone like Auto instead of me?
Why am I such a slut?
Why am I not attractive?
I thought I was attractive.
Why won't Moscato let me visit him?
I thought he would help me.
I want to be happy.
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