Monday, January 16, 2012

On Another Note

     I forgot to mention Kite's "Depression" and him wanting to kill himself. He kept telling Auto, Eric, and I that he wanted to kill himself and that he is very unhappy. The best reason why we could get out of him, was that he was heartbroken, and broke.
     "I can't afford to do this photo shoot I need for my upcoming album. Wahh." (Did I mention he was a "singer"? Kill me.
     Auto and Eric attempted comforting him, but I ignored him. That pissed me off. I'm heartbroken and broke, and I think (personally) I'm going to let my life play out a little longer. If every teenager that was heartbroken and broke killed themselves, the few teenagers we'll have left better work real hard at procreation, or that's going to be the end of the human race!
    
 Fuck you Kite. There are bigger issues in the world.
     
     For the record, he is safe. I spent Saturday morning thinking I killed him, calling him obsessively, checking the Charleston crime blotter. Thankfully, Auto texted me saying Kite was okay.

"Did Kite call you?"

"He texted me. He's okay, sort of. He apparently woke up somewhere downtown."

"Thank god. I thought he was dead. The guilt was kicking in."

"I still feel kinda bad though. :/"

"He's not dead, and he's not in jail."

"but still..."

     At that point, I didn't really care. Like I said in my text, he wasn't dead, and he wasn't in jail. I actually found it kind of funny he woke up somewhere downtown. 
     Sunday, I checked my voice-mail. Turns out Kite called me three time after we left him Friday night, each time leaving me a different melodramatic, drunken message. He apparently drove away, (like I told him not to) got pulled over, (I wonder why he didn't go to jail.) and kept telling me he was going to kill himself. (He kept saying "He just wanted to let me know."
     Good riddance Kite. If you're that weak, go ahead and do it. I don't know you well enough to get that sad about it.  

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Fuck Auto, and Fuck Pantheon

     So get this shit, there is this guy I met last weekend, Kite. Kite is hot as hell, me and Auto both agreed. Well Kite's personality was a little to immature and melodramatic for me, and Auto already called dibs (which by the way he talked about him, I could tell Auto liked Kite a lot more then I did). Well Auto and I both kept up with Kite, and whenever me and Auto would talk, he would ask me if I liked Kite. I would always tell him, 'No, I don't like him like that,'.
     Well one day, Kite texted me confessing he liked me. He asked me how I felt about it, and I said I'm not feeling really into relationships right now. Later that day, I talked to Auto on the phone, he asked me if I talked to Kite that day. I told him Kite said 'hi', and that's it. I didn't want to tell Auto that Kite liked me, because I knew that would upset him, but then Auto said 'He didn't say anything else? He told me he was going to tell you he liked you.' 
     I was starting to feel set up. Was Auto just calling to see if I would tell him. 'So now you're trying to hide shit!' he said in a mocking accusatory voice that you knew held some seriousness. 
     I didn't want to tell Auto I didn't want to hurt him, because then that would bring up his whole speech of 'I can get him if I wanted him, I just don't.' and he'd accuse me of saying I'm more attractive then him. I was stuck, but I just accepted it and let him know I didn't like Kite.
     Which brings me to last night, after the club, and the house party. The house party was whack, so we left early to go park on the top of the parking garage to go party on our own. I was tired as shit, and upset over feeling like Nathan was getting mad at me for trying to find Auto and Eric and getting them safely to Glenn's. (especially when he'd take the phone and cuss out Auto, thinking that would help the situation) and Auto getting mad at me for leaving initially with Nathan. So I sat in the back seat trying to pass out. Unfortunately, I was in the back seat with a very drunk and awake Kite. He would keep waking me up (which pissed me off. Once I pass out, do not wake me up) and he kept trying to cuddle with me, asking me what's wrong, and grabbing my face to go in for a kiss (which I would just turn away from). I could feel Auto looking. I texted him at one point saying 'Sorry, I'm not doing anything. I just want to sleep.'
     It's the end of the night, and we need to leave. Kite continued drinking, so he's trashed and in no way a condition to drive. We almost slept with him in the car till he sobered up, but Auto wanted to leave. (Not to put this blame on Auto, more than anything did I want to be home and not sleeping in the back seat with Kite.) So Auto attempted to sober him up. He forced Kite to walk around the parking garage with him, which was pretty much Auto carrying Kite around the parking garage. Eric and I were still in the car. I doubt Eric could give a fuck, but I could imagine a speech from Auto saying 'I was the only one trying to help Kite and you guys just sat in here!', so I ran up to help him handle Kite.
     When I ran up to try and help, it wasn't long before Auto threw Kite at me and said, "Here! Take him!"
     Auto can be a jackass sometimes, but most of the time I brush it off, like now. I take the stumbling Kite to his car, and Auto stomps up with the keys, jams the key in the front door, and swings open the door. 'Auto is getting tired of Kite,' I thought. I calmly unlocked the back doors, set him in the back seat, and expressed how important it was he didn't go anywhere, he just stayed here and sobered up. (Like I could do anything else. Auto's was my ride.) The I went back to Auto's car, and he went to leave. Out of concern, we ended up going to the other side of the parking garage to see what Kite would do. He just smoked. 
     "We're leaving a drunk person at the top of a parking garage," Auto said like it wasn't his idea, "This is so irresponsible."
     "Do you want to stay a little while?" I asked. I could pass out anywhere at this point.
     "No, I'm not sleeping in my fucking car!" he snapped.
     "We could call Justin," I suggested.
     "What the fucks that gonna do?" He snapped again.
     I'm out of idea's, and I truthfully didn't care at this point. We all stopped drinking and he kept shooting. Every time I made a suggestion, Auto would yell at me. I was tired.  At best Kite will get a D.U.I. and not die in a car accident. We drove off. (And this is why Auto, Eric, and I are going to hell.)
     That's when it happened. On the way home Auto said it. 
     "To be perfectly honest Razzi, it made me kind of mad that you were passing out in the back seat, and then as soon as I go away with Kite to sober him up, your suddenly awake, and can't let someone else be alone with Kite."
     "I told you, I don't like Kite."
     "Truthfully, I don't care, 'cause I know I could have Kite if I want to."
     On the way home I almost fall asleep, but I hear Auto and Eric talking. Auto, thinking I'm asleep, says to Eric, "You know, it's just strange because Kite is one of the first guys I don't have wrapped around my finger. He like that thing in the back seat over me.

Auto, you are insecure. I get jealous, but I refuse to let that be a reason to get mad at someone.

     So I'm mad at Auto. I'm probably going to avoid talking to him for a while. I've also decided I'm going to avoid Pantheon for a while. It truthfully has turned me into a slut, and if I keep going, I'm going to hurt the men that I care about. It was fun while it lasted, but fuck Auto, and fuck Pantheon. 

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

An Explanation.

     Well last night I was obviously a hot mess. That's what happens when I'm left home with Alcohol and no one to entertain me. I get stuck in my own thoughts. I mainly spent the night drinking and talking to Kairi and Maple about my problems out in the cold, smoking cigarette after cigarette. When people stopped answering there phones, I went inside. I remember sitting on the floor in my room staring at myself in the mirror silently for a good fifteen minutes, then I proceeded to sitting on my bed and writing 'Why can't I be happy?' over and over on my wall like an insane person. Luckily, I had the common sense (after three lines) to stop, and go on the computer and type it on my blog, before my parents saw it and either killed me, or sent me to therapy. This was mostly bought on by a drop in my self esteem, unintentionally caused by Auto, and a small Amaretto relapse. (I even messaged him last night. He replied today, but now I'm sober, and I'm not getting into that.)
     I don't know if I mentioned this at all, but I broke up with Razz. He was still ignoring me and I had enough. He didn't even seem to care we broke up either. Lately it seems like he's trying to chase after Auto. (One example of how my usually high self esteem is crumbling. It's not Auto's fault though.) It's actually been a while since we broke up. It's been a good month. I'm talking to this guy named Moscato. He's seemingly cute, nice, and sweet, but he lives in Charleston and being incredibly sketch about me visiting, and when I'm in Charleston and don't visit him, he get's all upset. (It's complicated, hard to explain, and I don't even fully understand what's going on with that. It's too early to go all crazy-girlfriend on him though, so I let it be for now.) So yeah, I've been better. I feel like this Amaretto wound won't heal until I fall in love again. That's depressing.

Drunk as F**k

     So I'm at home alone drunk.
Why can't I be happy?
Why can't I be happy?
Why can't I be happy?
Why can't I be happy?
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
I want to be happy
Why can't I be happy?
I use to feel pretty
Why don't I feel pretty?
Why can't someone tell me I'm pretty?
Why can't someone tell me I'm special?
Why can't someone make me feel loved?
Why can't someone love me?
Why won't he love me again?
Why did he have to come into my life?
I wouldn't have loved
but I wouldn't feel like this.
Why did he fuck me up so bad?
Why won't this end?
I thought it did.
Why can't someone come save me?
Why can't someone make me feel special?
Why does everyone like Auto instead of me?
Why am I such a slut?
Why am I not attractive?
I thought I was attractive.
Why won't Moscato let me visit him?
I thought he would help me.
I want to be happy.